Adrift In Awkwardness

A Letter to Mrs. Amy Poehler

2012-03-12T13:30:00.002-04:00

Lately I've been more impulsive than usual. The result has been some peculiar behaviors. The most notable of which was writing some 'fan' mail to Amy Poehler. The letter speaks for itself, read it after the jump:

February 28, 2012

Hello,

My name is Dale, and, Mrs. Poehler,I am writing about your inappropriate behavior in a dream I recently had. OnJanuary 19^th I had a rather disturbing dream which I recorded in myjournal. I was on a road, and parked nearby were two large trucks. I approachedthe rear of the trucks, and to my horror, they were both filled to the top withsevered hands! This alone was enough to cause my stomach to churn. Then youappeared, seemingly from nowhere. You reached in the back of the nearest truckand grabbed a large pair of the hands. You then walked up to me, and you usedthe hands to try and greet me! And then you even patted me on the shoulderswith the aforementioned hands, completely without my consent! It wasdisgusting. I remember you sneering smugly and saying, “Hah! Hey Dale! Isn’tthis funny! Hey shake my hand, ha! What’s wrong? Do they seem clammy? Hahaha!”As I hope you now realize your conduct here was very inappropriate. The ‘joke’as you saw it, was in poor taste. Do you know where those hands might havebeen? You could have infected the both of us with Ebola, or something equallyterrifying. Don’t you have respect for those whose hands were wrongly takenfrom them, living or dead? The nerve of you ma’am! Please note that I tried toforget this dream, and look past your actions, but what you did continues totrouble me, and that is why I felt I must write this. Could you promise me totry and limit this kind of morbid humor in the future, whether it be in reallife or in my dreams. On a related note, in the same dream, my friend had apremonition about me dropping a sandwich. This came true, and I was verydistressed because I was really enjoying it. Did you have something to do withthat as well?!

P.S. Parks & Recreation gets funnierevery episode. But no severed hand jokes please.

P.P.S. Your husband isquite hilarious as well; you are lucky to have each other.

Sincerely,

Dale

Venti Boy and The Solitaire Demon of Insomniania

2012-03-10T01:52:00.002-05:00

Every once and a while I fall of the wagon. Every once in a while I return to my past addiction. I regress, much to my disgust.

It happened last week...I was bored and I thought I could just kill a few minutes with my old habit. But no. It would appear my life is once again overtaken by addiction.

I'm speaking of course, about solitaire.

You know, that classic card game for lonely people? The one that's always on the computer screens in The Office? Well it would seem that I am on my worst solitaire binge since about a year ago.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When I was young and innocent, I knew nothing of the game and what it does to people. As I entered my pre-teen years, I began to grow curious. Maybe it was pure boredom, maybe it was the bright green background, it's all just a blur anymore.

I saw my grandmother glued to her computer screen playing it. She was in the zone, but once I got her attention, I gathered up the courage to ask her if she could show me how to play. She obliged, and taught me the simple rules. Then, as I started to get the basics, she would coach me. And she was a tough coach, yelling at me when I missed an obvious move, or lost points because of going through the deck too much. I was conditioned into a somewhat competent player.

Once I had lost my training wheels I played off and on. It wasn't much of a problem for me. There were plenty of other things to do on the Internet in those days. Back before Google owned Youtube, when playing crappy flash games was cool, when new memes only developed every couple of weeks- not seconds. Yeah, thems was the days. Actually those days were horrible and I used the Internet far too much, but that isn't the point here.

The years went by and I was in complete control. But in 2010, something wonderful happened. I got my trusty lil' netbook I'm typing on right now.

Unfortunately, while bored at a friend's house, I was looking through my programs since he had no wi-fi. I found solitaire - my old friend. I started playing and playing. My friend went up to eat food around midnight, I was still playing; he got up in the morning and I was still playing. You get the idea. From there, I went on a month long solitaire bender. I got so many high scores, and developed various strategies. I felt friggin INVINCIBLE!

Of course, things began to peter out and I snapped back into reality for a while. But now, it's all rushing back to me. I pin the blame on my recent insomnia problems. I've rarely been able to get more than 4 hours of sleep since December, so naturally I would feel the need to boot up my little netbook during the early hours of the morning.

I probably would have been able to get more sleep, but my insomnia made me play solitaire; and late night solitaire fed my insomnia!

I could barely stay conscious during the day, but at night I didn't seem hindered by exhaustion. To stay alive I had to make a few journeys to the sacred Starbucks. I went up to the counter and was asked, "Grande caramel frap again?" to which I replied, "NO. Today I need...a VENTI latte!" For comparison, that's about the size of my head.

The next three hours were pretty intense. I was zoned in on my homework. I stayed in Starbucks because I knew I wouldn't be able to focus at home, with all the comfy floors to pass out on. Papers were spread out around me, dark circles around my eyes, latte dribble on my chin, and various books. When I look back I can only remember it as a cliche 'Eye of the Tiger' montage, with nothing but me writing and typing, and dropping things on the floor. Despite gulping down my Venti to replace my blood with caffeine, I was hoping that drinking all of it would give me a huge crash and I would sleep soundly.

No such luck.

That Venti almost came through for me, I was exhausted and at the edge of sleep. But then that solitaire demon called me again. They fought each other back and forth, but the demon took over. Now I yell, I scream, and I growl. It's as if the solitaire demon is taunting me. It gives me those hands that make you lose without moving anything. It feels like I'm not in control! I wasn't even scoring well! My win percentage has gotten so low that I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone. I certainly won't post it here!So it's almost 2:00 AM, and after this I'm probably going to play a few rounds of solitaire and not sleep.

Venti Boy fighting Solitaire Demon!
Venti Boy's hands and feet are coffee beans!

"I just want to win one game....just one....just one....please..this time? No, I don't have space for another fucking King....why are you doing this to me!?!"

*Ahem* I have other matters to deal with right now, goodbye.

Tips for Dealing with Awkardness in a Park

2012-03-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

I went to a local park this past week and it was surprisingly crowded. Keep in mind, this was Cleveland...in February. Generally, it wouldn't be surprising if we had three feet of snow and 10 degree weather at this time of year. But on this particular day it was...65. Practically unheard of, but I'm not complaining.

Naturally, like everyone else, I wanted to spend time outside, driving with the windows down, wearing short sleeves without a jacket, and all those other things you can't do in the winter.

I generally go to the park because I feel awkward walking around the city with no purpose. And people generally assume you're a criminal if you're a teenager walking down a street...

But, since the summer, I forgot that I'm almost as awkward in the park. The multitude of people there really highlighted this. Every time I walked toward someone, my breathing was shallower and I had to distract myself somehow.

Here are some tips:

1. If you can, space out and look like you are completely unaware of their existence. If they glance at you, DO NOT break, if your eyes meet then all is lost.

2. Carry a water bottle with you at all times. Whenever you get close enough to see the whites of their eyes, unscrew the top and take a drink. Raise your head way up, so your face is partially blocked. Don't lower until you pass your tormentor. Preferably use a metal bottle, because plastic bottles are wasteful, but also because, if you run out of water you can still pretend to drink, and no one will know it's empty...

3. Look away. It may be simple, but don't underestimate this method. You should look like you are observing something vaguely interesting. Don't turn to quickly or you'll spook the other person.

4. If you're tired all the time like I am then you can yawn at will. This can work to your advantage. When you need to get past someone, look very bored and start yawning. Stretch it out as long as possible. Look down and cover your mouth while you do this, otherwise you'll look like a freak. And freaks attract attention. Don't be a freak.

Optional: Close eyes.

5. This is my favorite method to avoid awkwardness: Listen to music. I always have my mp3 player with me. As soon as I get to the park I put my earbuds in. Alone, it isn't a fantastic defense, but use it in combination with any of these other tips. Oftentimes I will pull my mp3 player out and start flipping through songs to get past someone.

6. Similar to the last tip, use your cell phone. Try to start a texting conversation with a friend. If you have no friends, just play around with your settings. (though, that would be rather sad.) Bring it out when your near people to check your messages or check the time. I've also found that frowning or raising your eyebrows like you saw something interesting will make the move seem less fake.

7. This one doesn't involve humans. In most parks, even ones in metro areas like the one I go to, have many deer. The deer liked the strangely warm day last week, so they were everywhere. I came around a corner and found myself surrounded by more than ten of them. I made it imperative not to look interested. Some of the deer will stare at you, it is perfectly acceptable to politely wave and nod to these deer to show you mean no harm. Keep on walking, the deer generally don't stay on the paths so they won't stick around long.

Congratulations, you can now spend time outside and burn your pasty, 'stayed-inside-all-winter', skin without having panic attacks!

The Challenge: Mix CD- Finished!

2012-02-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

After three long days, I have finished the mix CD I was preparing for my friend.

I got to work compiling the playlist first, that was the most important part. I had to make sure the compilation flowed well from song to song. I also had to make sure that the beginning and end of the album fit well. I'm actually very impressed with how it came out. I usually don't create short, well thought out playlists like that. But I think I'll keep this one saved for future use, as I seemed to greatly enjoy listening to it earlier; I was loudly [and crudely] singing to every song!

Before I go any further into detail, here's the playlist:

Track Listing

1. Wishing Well --- The Airborne Toxic Event

2. Bittersweet Symphony --- The Verve

3. VCR --- The xx

4. Dreams --- The Cranberries

5. Heartbreak Beat --- The Psychedelic Furs

6. Thirty-Three --- The Smashing Pumpkins

7. Fade Into You --- Mazzy Star

8. My Boy Builds Coffins --- Florence + The Machine

9. Our War --- Neon Trees

10. Caring Is Creepy --- The Shins

11. Airplanes --- Local Natives

12. Gravity Rides Everything --- Modest Mouse

13. Beautiful World --- Colin Hay

14. Transatlanticism --- Death Cab for Cutie

15. Is There a Ghost --- Band of Horses

16. Wake Up --- Arcade Fire

^ I just copy and pasted this from the document I made for the little album booklet I created.

I threw out so many blank CD's that got messed up by my terrible burner. I did keep a couple 'drafts' of the work though. I now have a CD that only contains the song Dreams on it...well, you never know, could come in handy some day. There's another one that plays fine until it reaches Thirty-Three and stops reading. Ooh, and another one came out perfect...except it was missing the first track. I'm really finicky about music and making everything come out right. I wasn't about to lose the opening track, especially such a song as Wishing Well. I went out and bought some more blanks that weren't twelve years old, and that seemed to help my shitty burner. I must have used every media-related program I could find to set the burn speed to the minimum and try again. Finally, my last resort, Windows Media Center, actually worked. I can't believe I actually found a use for that thing...

I was done with the technical stuff, so today I worked on the CD case. I found a blank CD case with Led Zeppelin's 'IV' in it. So I was like, "pshht, you don't need a case, get out of here!" and then I had my case. Then I went a little overboard...but I had a lot of fun. I got to work on that album booklet I mentioned. I did it very meticulously; measuring the length and width of the case so I could play around with the settings in Microsoft Word and get the dimensions just right. Naturally, I started with the cover, which just said "Kaitlyn's Mix!" in Wordart at the top. And centered in the middle, there's a picture of her. I pored through her Facebook photos to find one that looked artsy enough. Hopefully it won't seem like I'm being a creeper.

The second page was the track listing that I copy/pasted above. And the third page was a silly little 'Creation of' type thing. Well, here:

The Creation

The entire project took about three whole days to complete. I gave a good amount of thought to which songs I should compile. The songs I’ve chosen are all very interesting pieces, culminating styles and influences of alternative, indie, pop, dreampop, synth, and even new wave. I used care to make sure that the tracks flowed with one another, from beginning to end. Once the mix was compiled on my computer I began the grueling process of transferring the music onto a CD. I encountered problems with a dysfunctional burner, but determined to complete the project; I bought some new blank disks to replace the ancient scratched ones. This extra measure improved the efficiency a bit; however it still took many tries to get all tracks copied. Unfortunately, there is some occasional interference throughout. I believe it adds to the authenticity of the album, but if you wish to have a higher quality version, that can be arranged by contacting me. While listening to this compilation, you may feel urges to sing or even dance. This sometimes occurs, and it is not harmful to indulge in these urges. Most of all, turn up the volume, close your eyes, and enjoy!

Producer/Compiler/Graphic Design - Dale ‘Wesley’ ______

Total Runtime – 70:59

Completed February 22, 2012©

I blacked out my last name [only in this post] at the end because my family raised me to be paranoid. Especially in the murky depths of the Internet. I left my middle name though, because I've found that people seem to enjoy it. Also, I just found out there might not be any interference on the disk, because I didn't hear any when I put it in my stereo. So I guess that means that my computer's disk drive is even shittier than I thought, not being able to play a CD clearly. It probably won't work much longer. The top one hasn't worked in a couple years, but every once in a while it opens on its own and you have to close it, but it keeps popping out again randomly. It'll finally stay for 30 seconds or so, so you get all relieved...and then *pop* "AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHH!"

What I learned? I can occasionally be rather creative. More creative than I used to think I was before. Also, I'm a huge dork. Especially when it comes to music. Oh, I also hope this computer dies very soon so I can have one with a working disk drive...

I'm wrapping it in bubble wrap (which my closet is full of now!) for safe transport, and I'll present it to her tomorrow morning!

The Challenge: Mix CD

2012-02-19T22:20:00.000-05:00

Today I came upon a good enough reason to distract myself from schoolwork.

I went to Starbucks (as usual) with a friend of mine, and we got to talking about music (as usual.) Like me, she wishes to constantly widen her mind's musical database. I seem to have a much more extensive collection of music than her. Upon having her listen to the song The Graveyard Near The House by The Airborne Toxic Event, she suggested that I should make her a mix CD of the different artists I listen to that she probably doesn't know about. I see this as a challenge worthy of my time, and my Monday will probably be spent frantically poring over every album I've bought in the past five years and picking songs that might catch her interest.

I have to remember the artists from my collection that she already knows about and likes. These include Janis Joplin, Mumford & Sons, Franz Ferdinand and perhaps a couple more.

For the time being, the only band that is entirely out of the question is The Killers. She hates The Killers. I used to enjoy them quite a bit (except Day & Age...), and, don't get me wrong, I still like them. But, the magic of their music is long gone for me, and I've left for more interesting sounds.

I imagine the CD will contain songs by The Airborne Toxic Event, Modest Mouse, The Shins, Psychedelic Furs, and perhaps Band of Horses, among other artists. I would love to include songs by some of my other favorites, like The Cure, The Smiths, and Arcade Fire. But maybe I should wait, I don't want to force too much on her too quickly.

I will post my playlist once I believe it is presentable. I hope my computer can actually burn CD's though, I tried once, about four years ago. It didn't go well, I tried about 50 different blank CD's before the computer decided it would make an effort to work correctly.

Scholarships! Recycling!

2012-02-16T20:05:00.000-05:00

So today has been a very pleasant and productive day!

When I got home I made tea for my friend and I. Blueberry Bliss! I then opened the mail to find an exciting scholarship. $4,500 a year ($18,000 total) for CSU! This is in addition to the $2,000 a year I'm already going to get. This put me in a surprisingly good mood.

I went back to school for my environmentalist group. I got to help recycle a ton of the school's paper for the huge paper drive we're having this month. We're getting more money per ton this month than we do the rest of the year, so the paper has just been pouring in. When I came home again, I shredded a giant pile of mail, and found newspapers. This gives me a few pounds of paper to contribute when I get back from the long weekend.

I also collected a lot of recyclables around my house to put out with the trash tomorrow. Pretty satisfying, if you don't already I highly recommend it. I would check online to see if your community has recycle pick-ups and what the guidelines are.

I also filled out another scholarship I found at my school, and I'm fairly confident that I'll be able to get it. I need as much money as I can get, considering I'll get no federal aid. Even though my family is nowhere near rich. We're barely even middle-middle class. I'd say we're lower-upper-lower-middle class.

I've been a lot more social today...hardly any awkardness!

Adventures in Starbucks! (Or, Awkwardness in Starbucks!)

2012-02-06T20:42:00.000-05:00

For the past year, Starbucks has been my place to go to be with friends, escape from my home, do work, or just relax by myself.

Ah, so many conversations and internet-article-reading binges I've had here!

And the frappucinos......far too many!

I've been coming here long enough that they recognize when I come in, and in the summer when I only got caramel frappucinos, they always assumed that's what I was ordering. I've even gotten the odd free drink or two.

But I'm not going to ramble on about everything that's ever gone on here. I'd like to quickly write about a slightly awkward situation that occurred a couple weeks ago. I was waiting at the end of the counter for my drink and was...well let's say, overhearing, the conversation two of the girls who work here were having. The one had just gotten pregnant and she was talking about baby names.

She said something along the lines of:
"...and do you want to know what HE wants to name our kid? Holy crap. Dale. I mean, Dale? Come one! What kind of name is....is...Dale? I mean, it just doesn't sound good at all. Ugh, I can't stand that stupid name...who' named Dale anyways? What kind of person would name their kid.....that?!"

This went on for about a minute or so while I uncomfortably waited for latte heaven. I finally felt the need to interject, in a rather awkward, and almost...apologetic (?) tone, "....uh....my name is Dale!" They turned towards me and a humorously uncomfortable silence developed. Finally, the girl asked me if that really was my name, desperately hoping it was not. Once I convinced her, she set about apologizing over and over and over again.

Luckily, I'm not too in love with my name either, and I found the situation pretty silly, so I laughed it off.

Fast forward to today, I walked in a couple hours ago (yes I've been here that long!), after a walk in the park to clear my head, ordered my drink from the guy who's usually here at this time, and then I heard a voice from the back.

".....Dale? " I turned to see my 'former tormentor' approaching me slowly. With a great deal of worry in her voice, she continued, "...do you...do you...hate me?" What a situation I was put in! I made an effort to assure her I didn't, and she pleaded with me to be honest, saying, "Please be honest! I swear I won't put anything in your coffee, I swear! I just want to know whether or not ...you...you hate me..."

Once again, it took some effort convincing her. I got a good laugh out of it. That and the brisk walk in the park cheered me up considerably after a day of frequent headaches. Such a silly situation. How awkward this was for us both!

Artists To Look Into

2012-02-04T18:48:00.000-05:00

Here is my current 'Artists to Look Into' list copied straight from my mp3 player. It's a bit short, but that is because I cleared it out about last month. Didn't find too much.

1. No Clear Mind
2. 2:54
3. Gotye
4. Enigma
5. Landon Pigg
6. Fanfarlo

I've listened to Fanfarlo a bit, and I enjoy them a lot. I think I'm definitely going to buy 'Reservoir.'
Here is my current favorite:

I've only heard a little bit of Belgian-Australian 'Gotye' (anyone know how to pronounce that?) The few songs my friend sent me struck me. It's very strange, but in music, strange is good. Here is one that I really liked;the video is nice as well:

This one, although pleasing to my ears, was nightmare inducing. Perhaps even more nightmare inducing than The Whale Song music video. Now I see those eyes everywhere, and they will haunt me forever. Watch at your own risk:

My friend recommended Enigma to me after she contacted her other friend about me trying to begin meditation. As far as I know, they are part New Age, part electronic. Or something like that. I already started a Pandora station of course.

And Landon Pigg, well, I only heard this one song. 'Falling In Love In A Coffee Shop' I think. It was very sweet sounding. And I use that description sparingly. It's running through my head right now, which is fitting because I'm sitting in Starbucks right now!

Darcy Darcy Darcy

2012-02-01T19:35:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that when taken out of context, many of the text messages I send seem very peculiar, perhaps even a little mad.

Today's gem? Take a look:

"Darcy Darcy Darcy. Darcy! Darcy Darcy Darcy Darcy Darcy?! ....................pants................."

A little nonsensical, know? Those of you who are well read may already have an idea, but here's the context:

I was texting my friend about Mr. Darcy from Pride And Prejudice. I've never read it myself, but I was poking fun at my friend's obsession with him. She has 'stooped so low as to begin reading Mr. Darcy-centric fan fiction novels! "You're a sleaze," I told her!

And as for pants.....well, pants....because....pants.

Oh, and I should note that my friend's response to this message was "OFF!"

Ha. She's obsessed.

Quest For Recycling

2012-01-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

I'm on a quest to make my parents start recycling by the time I go off to college. So far it hasn't gone well.

I tried multiple times last year. Every time I brought it up, they would look at me all confused like, and say, "But...but...but...won't we get charged a ton of money for doing something as weird and abnormal as recycling!?"

Every time. And no matter how often I said "NO! You don't have to pay, in fact, some communities charge you for NOT recycling!" they never got it. One of them would just reply, "I don't know if I believe you...."

*Sigh*

Even when I used my friend's family as a credible source, they still refused to believe me.

So after having given up a while, I plan to take up this noble task once again. For the good of the planet! Earlier today I mentioned that we should start recycling...and of course my mom pretended not to hear me and left....ugh. I'll bring it up again this week, with help from the Internet supporting my word. If that doesn't work though, I'll have to take more drastic measures. The way I see it I'll on;y have two options left:

1. I get my friend Isys to come over and give a pro-recycling presentation to teach my parents the guidelines and benefits of recycling. She already agreed to do it, all I have to do is ask.

2. If nothing else, I will do what my other friend has to do. I'll let my family throw things out willy-nilly. But when they aren't looking I will stealthily dig through the trash for all recyclable materials. I'll take all these materials into my room and place them in blue plastic bags, which I'll hide in my closet. And finally, every Friday morning, after they leave for work, unbeknownst to them, I will run the bags out to the curb! That way they will never have to know that they are helping the environment. Devious? Yes. But if I must, I must!

Meditation

2012-01-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

As a method of controlling stress and anxiety I'm now supposed to try out meditation.

Oddly I feel like I've occasionally tried it before but don't have any solid memory of doing so. Well I've practiced the past few days, for about ten minutes at a time. I feel like once I get better at it, it will be very useful to me.

It felt a bit strange today though. There I was, sitting in a chair in the middle of my dark, empty house, my eyes closed, following the directions I was getting from here. I was told to tense up, which was easy for me. But when I was told to relax my muscles, all my limbs started randomly jerking and twitching. I'm so used to being tense that trying to be relaxed only agitates my muscles and makes them spasm! I'm guessing that is....undesirable, so I suppose meditation will do me some good.

Today started out fairly miserably, but after I got home from school I ate a bunch of fruit, meditated a bit, and even exercised. Yeah, I'm trying to start exercising again too...that should last.........maybe a week, or two. These three simple things managed to make me feel better today. Not great, but better.

Also, if you're like me and you love rain, or at least the sound of it, Rainy Mood is fantastic. I believe it's good for meditation, relaxation, or if you're just in a shitty mood and need something to mirror that.

1st Music Update-1/17/12

2012-01-17T23:12:00.000-05:00

Well last night I went to the mall with my friends, and as these trips usually go for me, I ended buying CD's! Luckily I didn't splurge too much, I had some extra money anyways and I only got used CD's. Seventeen dollars for three albums is a pretty good deal, especially from a chain like FYE. I had my mp3 player on me as I always do when I'm out and about, so I had with me my trusty list of 'Albums I Want' because I certainly can't be bothered to remember what I like.

First one I picked out was:

The Verve- Urban Hymns

So far I'm enjoying this album a lot. Certainly a late 90's classic. All the songs have a certain emotion behind them just in the beat alone, and I've barely been able to soak up most of the lyrics. However, I really love the track Drugs Don't Work, that is a great one. I added this one to my 'Winter' playlist, so it should get a decent amount of plays. This one has only been on my list since my friend asked me to get it for my car, but I probably would have ended up with it at some point anyways.

Next up would be:

Temple Of The Dog- Temple Of The Dog

This is one that's been on my list since before I had a list. It goes back to when I was still in my early teenage years and very into grunge and early 90's alternative. Sure I've moved on to much more complicated and interesting music over the years...but ah...this kind of music will always be my first love. Back in the day Pearl Jam was my favorite band, so naturally I've wanted this one for a long time. It combines Chris Cornell of Soundgarden, and the original members of Pearl Jam, or, as they were probably known then, Mookie Blaylock. The album has a great deal of emotion and heart behind its creation, seeing as it's a tribute to Andy Wood who died of a drug overdose in 1990. Wood headed Mother Love Bone with Jeff Ament and Stone, and I think he lived with Chris Cornell. It's interesting to think how all of these musicians were so connected back then. I finally remembered I really wanted the album after I watched PJ20, the Pearl Jam 20th anniversary documentary. They showed the reasoning, and the emotion behind this album. If you're interested it's streaming on Netflix.
To me, the best part of this album is hearing Eddie Vedder's then new voice reflecting perfectly off of Cornell's, and vice versa. Ah, this one is a bit of a throwback for me...but more to the mid 2000's...seeing as I was born two years after the album was released.

Lastly:

Talking Heads- Little Creatures

This one actually was not on my list. But of course, FYE doesn't have an especially deep selection. So as a result I ended up picking up this later era Talking Heads album for only $5. This is a joy for me since they're only my 4th favorite band! This is definitely a Talking Heads album, that's for sure. The wackiness and weirdness just prevails over all. Though I prefer a lot of their older stuff that was laced with 'angsty-art-students-living-in-the-ghetto-playing-clubs-just-to-survive-another-week' sound, this album is just pure fun. It doesn't quite pack the punch I wish it did, but to me, any Talking Heads is good Talking Heads. They bring out the wackiness and weirdness in me. As for the album art on this one....I really have no idea...but it occurred to me while looking at it, that only two people could have thought it up: an insanse, and over-imaginative child, or.....David Byrne himself. Such an interesting guy.

My Two Sides

2012-01-15T23:31:00.000-05:00

I thought that I had been doing better lately, at least during December. I thought I was doing alright this month too, that is, until I came to the sudden realization that I was being very moody and all the symptoms I used to have came back.

In the past two weeks my chronic headaches have flared up again, my anxiety has gotten worse, I've been getting angry over nothing, and my neck and back pain have even come back. All this, after almost a month of feeling relatively good and healthy.

I don't know what's causing this sudden relapse in mentality, but it has highlighted the two different, light and dark, sides of me.

On the 'light' side:

Shy but able to speak and be polite
Generally Calm
Tries to be helpful
Uses reason and sense
Not always social, but very friendly and talkative with friends
Prone to sadness, but tries to keep it from affecting others
Usually productive and able to focus

On the 'dark' side:

Barely able to communicate, or speak with others
Short tempered, easily frustrated, prone to saying hurtful things
Highly anxious among others, often to the point of having to avoid people altogether
Cold and uncaring
Erratic, or irrational thoughts/behavior
Malicious towards friends, tries to push them away
Difficulty staying on task
Lets negative emotions run rampant and may take anger out on others

Lately this 'dark' side has been flashing in and out a lot, putting a strain on my relationships with my friends and making it more difficult to be in public. The problem is, I can't really control or censor myself even when I identify that this side of me is present. So right now I'm trying to teach myself to at least limit what I say so I don't end up really hurting people's feelings. Hopefully I can turn this back around before it really starts to take hold again. Ugh, and to think, I really thought I was on my way to getting better too!

It's my senior year, I don't have time for all this positive/negative personality bullcrap!

How To Properly Spend A Friday

2012-01-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

Today, I had no school.

And with how anti-people I've been this week, I certainly wouldn't have wanted to go outside, not to mention the snowstorms.

I lazed about for a while, making waffles and playing Minecraft and such. But then I realized that I could probably do something remotely useful while staying inside.

Apparently, 'useful' for me, entails listening to music by every artist on my "artists to look into" list. Yes I have a list for that. So that's how I've spent the past three hours. And I have absolutely no regrets. As lame as I feel sitting in the dark with the blinds closed, sipping tea, and listening to indie and synthpop music on Youtube.

A lot of the music was passable, so I managed to delete them from my list. But there were a few glimmers of hope:

The Parlotones, they're big in South Africa from what I can tell. I added 'Stardust Galaxies' to my list of albums I want.
The Submarines, I like them. They lean a little bit more towards pop than I generally will listen to, but I still added 'Love Notes/Letter Bombs
Motopony, Good, solid indie music. Nothing too noisy or ridiculous but not too boring or sappy either.
The Lightning Seeds, I've listened to them before, but I just felt like listening to 'Pure' which is late 80's synthpop bliss.
2:54, they're not that great, but I really enjoyed this song- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYvt0boSRXQ

I think this has been a day well spent so far. I could always branch out my musical tastes so that eventually I have a gigantic 'tree' of musical tastes twisting every which way.

Time to go listen to Pandora radio for two hours.

Crazy Steampunk Zeppelin Dreams

2012-01-11T23:36:00.000-05:00

So the other night I had some pretty wild dreams. I can't say much about the first one, all I remember is being in China. There were streams of people just marching down endless roads, and Kim Jong Il was standing in a field talking to some important looking politician. Peeking from behind some bushes, (I wasn't supposed to be in China, you see!) I remember thinking: "Holy crap, Kim Jong Il is alive...but why fake his own death?!"

And thus ends the scary China dream.

Then, I happened to be a lone traveler of some sort. How should I travel across the ocean? By flying in a gigantic steampunk mega-zeppelin. Obviously. What made this a steampunk zeppelin? Well on the outside there were propellers, wings, and other seemingly unnecessary mechanical parts. It looked most like the top left and top right zeppelins in the picture. Except bigger. Much, much bigger. Why so big you might ask? For one, me and thousands of other travelers (dressed in Victorian era clothes I might add) had to have enough room to be nice and comfortable! And secondly, you need a pretty big zeppelin to fly an entire factory.

Yeah, a mega-zeppelin with a factory that employs hundreds of people, and this is one of my more coherent dreams. I remember wandering through the corridors and chambers of the factory. Everything was covered in brass pipes, copper, rivets, gauges, steam valves, and blinking red lights. Because of the noise of all the machinery, the pipes sticking out of the walls, as well as the workers running back and forth, I felt very cramped and irritated. While in a room with a bunch of scales on the floor, the airship captain (who, by common sense, was also the factory manager) came in and yelled in his booming voice at some worker near me, and they both proceeded to run out of the room through clouds of hissing steam. Did I mention the captain was my school's principal? Yes, it would appear he has quite an interesting resumé.

As the dream started to deteriorate things made less sense. I was on the main floor of the factory and there were winding conveyor belts going every which way. I couldn't comprehend what was being produced. And what benefit could there possibly be to a company building an airship factory? I guess you could cut out the middle-man and deliver your goods by taking the factory to your customers. The last chunk of dream I remember clearly is one worker being awarded for his good work. His award? He was told that he had permission to parachute off of the zeppelin, which I suppose is their equivalent of getting to leave work early. With excitement, he climbed an all too conveniently placed ladder and opened up a hatch to the top. He strapped on his yellow parachute and jumped off without a hint of hesitation. The last thing I remember is feeling a bit perplexed at the 'award' the worker just got. I was perplexed not by the idea of parachuting off the zeppelin, but I couldn't help but notice the fact that he jumped off while we were....well....in the middle of the ocean.

Good luck absent-minded, overly excited parachute guy, good luck. And may this behemoth factory-zeppelin deliver me and the rest of us travelers safely to port!

A letter to 99% of my peers: "A Call For Quiet"

2012-01-09T14:41:00.002-05:00

I hate to make a blog post that is just me complaining......well actually I don't, I love complaining, but here goes:

Dear tormentors,

Many people have criticized and complained about how I've always talked too quietly to understand, but the opposite is much worse, and nearly all of you seem to be the opposite. In case you don't understand what I'm getting at, what I'm saying is that you are loud as hell. You are there in most public places I go to, but usually my exposure to you is limited and there are only a few of you there.

At school, however, you are absolutely everywhere and it's beginning to make my eye twitch come back.

Oftentimes you talk louder than I believe I could scream. When all of you are jabbering around me at once it feels like someone is driving a nail into each of my ears, all the way into my brain. Imagine this going on every weekday, for at least six hours every day. Just try and visualize that. The vast majority of you, who I am ashamed to refer to as 'my peers' and 'my generation,' are so dreadfully annoying that I am in both mental and even physical pain!

I don't come to school, which is supposed to be a place of learning and order, to hear you scream like an injured child. I come to school with a headache almost every day regardless of any outside influence, so I don't need you making it worse as you undoubtedly will. Even on the rare occasions I am rejoicing because I don't have a headache, you seem to make yourself known instantly. It could be from a distance or while invading my personal space (which is another thing I would like to scold you for!), but there you are. Your mouth opens and suddenly that excruciating pain begins flowing through my head again.

On instinct I now wince when you enter my presence because I'm expecting you to at least emit some high-pitched wailing noise usually attributed to some poor dying animal.

But no, you are making that noise for no discernible or justifiable reason at all! You are being this way simply for the sake of being this way! You seem to enjoy your excessive volume, as if the louder you were the more you could be sure of your own existence and importance. Let me assure you, you exist. You could stop being so insecure now.

I shouldn't have to hear your conversations when I am across the room from you having my own quiet conversation with my friends. Or perhaps you could even be silent, and focus on that schoolwork you never even noticed on your desk.

There is no need to have such high volume, and don't say you don't know how to be quieter. You can't possibly expect me to believe you don't have that much control over your own voice. It is clear to me that you have to try hard to speak as loud as you do on a daily basis.

And while you're learning to shut your damned mouth, why don't you stop blocking the hallways while you laugh like hyenas? You scarcely seem to realize that you are in a public building where some people have places to be, and I shouldn't have to shove you multiple times a day to get where I am going. Maybe you don't understand, I know you are too busy justifying your own existence by screaming, so you don't go to your classes. I, however, am trying not to waste taxpayer money more than it is already being wasted on you and I need to get where I'm going. And that thing you're standing in? You know the rectangular hole in the wall? That's called a doorway, and in civilized society it is customary not to block these. People use them to get to places they need to be and that is quite difficult with your fat self standing there and talking so loudly that me and the few quiet people can't get your attention.

I doubt you will take in any of this, but please cease all high-volume activities and really any outwardly annoying behavior. Use your common sense. Please do not irritate me further, my headaches tamper with my focus and if my eye twitch comes back in full swing I will become terribly insecure, for as you could probably imagine it is rather...off-putting.

Sincerely,
A frustrated and twitchy misanthrope.

Sincerely,
A frustrated misanthrope

Ignore the following code: RKSJXH5M54PY

How my thoughts are divided up in Winter

2012-01-08T00:32:00.000-05:00

The general thoughts I have on my mind are severely altered in the Winter, as indicated by the below graph:

'Invisible Man' Photograph

2012-01-04T19:20:00.000-05:00

While looking for some resources for helping readers to analyze Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison, I came across this fantastic photograph taken by a photographer named Jeff Wall. It depicts the 'hole' that the narrator calls home in the preface of the novel. I found the picture at the link below, and there is a link inside of the aforementioned link, which leads to an NYT article on the photographer.

Follow the link and click on the picture for full size!
http://homepage.mac.com/mseffie/assignments/invisible_man/Wall.html

They even matched the exact number of lights described in the book...that is dedication!

"Now, aware of my invisibility, I live rent-free in a building rented strictly to whites, in a section of the basement that was shut off and forgotten in during the 19th century..."

Top 5 Favorite Artists

2012-01-03T22:48:00.004-05:00

1. Modest Mouse
2. Depeche Mode
3. The Who
4. Talking Heads
5. The Airborne Toxic Event

Note: Numbers 4 and 5 are subject to change every so often, but usually those two hover near that position. 1-3 are definitely fixed in their correct positions though.

Sorry, I'm very finicky about how I make my lists, I can't trust myself to know my top 5 exactly! But I certainly couldn't make a top 3 list, no that just wouldn't do at all.

Old Old Pictures, Old Old Project

2012-01-03T09:59:00.004-05:00

These are just two pictures of an art project I did a couple of years
ago. I'm not any good of at art but I was proud of this one. Modest Mouse is my favorite band of all time so it only stands to reason that I should make a collage of them on a guitar. The lyrics I used were from, "Float On" (which, honestly is one of my least favorite songs by them) and "Missed The Boat." "Missed The Boat" may be my favorite song of all time. But it is hard to determine something like that.

I have to give credit to someone else for the letters on the neck though. I'm left handed and not all that crafty so I would have never been able to cut those out correctly.

Sadly though, I only got a B on the project. But all my other boring crappy work in that class got A's. Whatever, I'm proud of this crappy thing, I know my friends are probably sick of seeing it, ha.

Read, Read, Read!

2012-01-01T15:44:00.006-05:00

Now I like to read, but I generally don't read for myself much. It's difficult when you're in an advanced English course and your always reading for that.

Over this break I've done so much reading. A week an a half ago I had barely started reading Invisible Man but I plan to finish it today. It's a very strange book,and I can tell it goes much deeper than I can currently comprehend. I've annotated it like crazy. I'm not entirely sure why I've underlined every mention of blood or the color red but maybe it will pay off in the end. Ooh, I love noticing every time something happens that would further confuse the narrator about his identity, until the point where he finally realizes he is invisible. And considering he's obsessed with becoming part of history, I can imagine this would be terrifying.

That's my independent novel I'm reading for the quarter.

The in-class novel I'm reading is Crime and Punishment which I'm loving so far. This is my kind of book. A book where the main character is going completely insane, and bursting at the seams. For a person who is obsessed with psychology like I am, this novel reads like porn. Even on the first page I remember thinking, "Ooh, this guy has been losing it for months...he's afraid to leave his apartment, people scare him, he's all tense and agitated, he's inactive and malnourished....what's he gonna do? Ooh, I'm excited!" Maybe I'm a little too eager to read about Raskolnikov's spiral into insanity and crime.

But hey, who wouldn't smile when reading about a guy solving his problems with an ax!

Welcoming the New Year

2012-01-01T01:37:00.003-05:00

So 2012 is finally here and I'm glad.

Taking a look back, 2011 was probably the longest year of my life. The strangest too.

It was full of so many changes, new experiences, and perhaps an adventure or two. Some of my best and worst memories have been formed this past year. I probably won't forget this year for a long time, despite my terrible memory.

I've always been one for thinking deeply about the world in general or just myself, but because of everything that was going on with me I was in an almost constant state of deep thought. I have to admit, when you're in constant deep thought you learn how to drive without being completely 'there.'

Well, anyway, I'm looking forward to the New Year. With graduation and college coming up there sure to be just as many new experiences and changes this year. And as for whatever turbulent events may come my way this year, I'm ready for them now!

.......well maybe, I'm very tired from a whole year's worth of turbulence. Maybe I can get a break for a month?

Petition!

2011-12-30T12:56:00.004-05:00

Sign this if you think stuffing an autistic child in a bag is a barbaric form of 'therapy'.

http://www.change.org/petitions/end-abuse-of-autistic-students-in-mercer-county-kentucky?utm_medium=email&alert_id=fTVYPJTgIK_eHwdDrTONX&utm_source=action_alert

My Trip To Some Doctor

2011-12-29T23:47:00.002-05:00

Today I finally broke down and decided to see a doctor for this cough. It was too late to get an appointment with my normal doctor so I went to this odd little clinic place where half of the building seemed to be physical fitness equipment.

As I was filling out my forms an undetermined amount of children spilled around me. They were loud, and jabbered on in some incomprehensible tongue as children often do. I tried not to look at them, since children make me nervous. Especially when they become aware of my presence. Luckily, their embarrassed mother told them to go wait in the car and they scrambled away...hooray parenting.

Eventually I was led to a room that was strangely as large as the lobby and there were all kinds of equipment that I didn't recognize. I hung up my coat but I was perplexed because the hook was on the outside of the door, so I thought, "Oh this hook must be for people passing by in the hallway, I shouldn't use it!" I sat in a chair that seemed to be designed for people with really fat arms that need extra support. This nurse or attendant that looked no older than 20 took my blood pressure and all that other routine stuff.

I thought maybe I'd see a doctor then. But no, that was only the second waiting room. I was led to a tiny third room. This one just looked like a normal room in a doctor's office.

The biggest issue I had in this room was the buzzing. It was an electrical buzzing like you'd hear in any office but this wasn't a droning monotone. It changed pitch and volume constantly and seemed to come through the wall. Seeing as I was in tiny room with nothing to look at or do, I fixated on this sound and it really started getting into my head. A crinkly-faced woman who reminded me of the Old Man on Pawn Stars walked in and interrupted the noise. She asked me questions about medication, blah blah blah. Let me get back to the buzzing...and hey, what am I here for again?

So I sat there longer until the nurse walked back in to swab my throat. And I noticed, with a bit of surprise, that she was wearing Crocs! I would think that Crocs wouldn't be proper footwear in a doctor's office of all places. I guess it's fine with socks on, but then it just looks weird.

She left, and I was again alone with the noise, which in my mind had become music. I had no idea how long I was there until a doctor finally came in. I only saw him for a few minutes before he gave me a prescription.

Why do doctors get all the prestige and money even though the underlings seem to do all the work most of the time?

I waited back in the main lobby for everything to be processed and I noticed a guy sort of wandering in a corner. I watched him go over to the window and lean up against it. Then I heard him start muttering. So here this guy was leaning up against a window seemingly talking to no one. I made an effort not to stare because as a personal rule I don't stare when people are doing something that appears crazy. It's rude...and if they really are crazy I don't want to be the one to set them off.

Finally I was done there and I could leave before the guy muttering by the window could notice me.

Cough drops and ginger ale

2011-12-29T00:33:00.003-05:00

So, over a week into winter break and I've been sick the entire time. I'm not surprised, I've been suspiciously healthy this year. When I was younger I seemed to get sick multiple times a year, always getting a cold, the flu, or even pneumonia.

I'm not very sick, it's mostly just coughing. It's annoying though because any time I lapse into a fit of coughs people respond as if my eyes just If I'm not then I'm unconscious and then I suppose you can help if you want.

Because of all the hacking and coughing I've stocked up on supplies. Of course by this I mean cough drops and ginger ale. Not to mention vitamins and some decongestants that my grandma gave me. They happened to be expired since 2005, which wasn't surprising considering they were from a grocery store chain that hasn't existed in well over a decade. It's nice to know she cares though.

When I'm sick like this, I hoard cough drops and ginger ale. Basically, I need cough drops to allow me to function normally and not be a noisy sickness spreading menace when I'm around the other humans. Ginger ale is the only thing I can always drink comfortably with a sore throat and it retains its taste as well. These two items are beneficial to my existence when sickness strikes. They're like elixir to me.

I suppose I feel better than I did. On Friday and Saturday I could barely talk. Whenever I tried to speak my voice would go in and out, and a simple sentence like, "I feel completely fine!" would come out, "I...eel...ompleely...fi!" And no, saying it like that is not too convincing.

For the time being I suppose I'll continue to live in my little sick-bubble. In bed, typing on my computer, surrounded by cough drop wrappers and sipping hot tea because...well what else would I do after midnight? I look forward to a long night of loud coughing, phlegm, and most recently, nocturia!